Not Sick Enough

My experience with not feeling worthy of deserving help for my personal struggles with mental health. Is there a such thing as not being "sick enough"?

By Vera Li

I never felt sick enough.

I tearfully confided in my friends and family, I wrote about my struggles, I sought out therapy - but I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was being overdramatic, like I was wasting people’s time, like I was faking it all just for attention.

I have constantly struggled with my desperate need for validation by others, and this concept especially applies to my eating disorder. For me, one of the biggest barriers to seeking help for this issue was my fear that I wasn’t “sick enough” to ask for help.

My Experience

Leading up to the diagnosis, I tiptoed around the prospect of having an eating disorder. “I’m not even that skinny” or “I eat way more/exercise way less than this person anyways” ran on through my brain like a broken record. Yes, I was restricting my food intake, but I certainly wasn’t restricting myself as extremely as others I’ve seen on social media. Yes, I was exercising frequently, but I certainly couldn’t characterize it as extreme since it was never any longer than 30-40 minutes of an at-home HIIT workout. In fact, I was often frustrated with myself for feeling tired after what I deemed to be an inadequate amount of exercise (note: if you’re wondering if less than an hour of exercise a day is okay, I will tell you that it absolutely is if that’s the amount that makes your body and mind feel good and/or fits into your schedule). Yes, I was scared to eat “bad” foods and was obsessed with planning out “perfect” meals, but I was still eating some foods demonized by social media, and I even ate some of my personal fear foods on occasion. In my mind, none of these actions were extreme enough to warrant attention, despite the fact that I was struggling immensely with body image and was still physically and mentally malnourished. It felt like I was just waiting for that final straw -- maybe I’d faint from malnourishment or maybe I’d drop a significant amount of weight -- something that would finally allow me to “rightfully claim my place” as a person with a mental illness that deserved help.

What I can now tell you is that you should NEVER wait to be “sick enough” to get help.

If you think about it, this concept of waiting to receive help only when you’re “sick enough” makes no sense. This concept would force anyone who is struggling with mental health and on the path to a more serious mental illness to constantly tread water to keep themselves from going under. You haven’t drowned, but that doesn’t mean that you’re safe on land or that you won’t get tired from constantly trying to keep afloat.

What’s more is that even after I received my validation, an eating disorder diagnosis, I was still insistent that I was somehow still not “sick enough”. Well, maybe the diagnosis is wrong. My behaviors were never that extreme, and I don’t engage in most of those behaviors anymore. Plus, I don’t look malnourished anymore, so do I really have to gain weight? I thought to myself (note: this is attributed to the fact that I was stuck in quasi-recovery for a long time. Check out my post on quasi recovery to learn about my experience with this). My brain continued to search for a different explanation for my thinning hair and nails, lack of a menstrual cycle, emotional numbness, and obsession and anxiety over food and exercise.

And right now, I’m still having doubts about whether or not I actually qualify as someone with anorexia.

But you know what? Whether or not I actually qualify for a clinical mental disorder doesn’t change a single thing.

“Being "sick enough" does not exist. If you're struggling, then you deserve help.”

Maybe I don’t fit the exact criteria for anorexia nervosa, but I know that my habits in the past and some of its present remnants arise from insecurity, a disordered body image, and an overall lack of confidence in all areas of my life. So whether or not I qualify as having this eating disorder, I now know within my heart that I still have to recover like I do have an eating disorder, and I have to recover for myself and myself only. I have to come to terms with the fact that, due to my past with mental health, my food portions and flexibility will look different than others. My exercise habits will look different. Even my entire approach towards work/life balance might look different than others. The lasting physical and mental health issues from my eating disorder (or whatever it is) have made me more susceptible to physical and mental burnout after periods of excessive stress.

Being “sick enough” does not exist. If you’re struggling, then you deserve help. I’m not struggling the same way that I was a few years ago, and I have never looked like or acted like the people who are portrayed to be mentally ill in the movies. But I have recognized that whatever I went through and am still working through is still worthy of being recognized and addressed. I still struggle with the desire for a sense of validation, but I’ve learned to push past any irrational thoughts that dismiss my struggles.

You are not less deserving of help than someone else. Even if your situation looks different, your struggles are still valid.

Find a way to cope that works for you and treat yourself well because we’re all on our own unique journeys. Look deep within you and figure out what it is that will bring you happiness and fulfillment.

Acknowledge your own struggles and address them as early as possible because the earlier you intervene, the easier it is to overcome.

I hope this post helped at least one person out there who is on the fence about opening up to others or seeking professional help because really, we all deserve to live a happy life <3