Numbing Out

Some thoughts on why numbing out didn't make me feel better and some ideas on better ways to cope.

By Vera Li

Blank. Empty. Numb.

That’s how I felt for a while. I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. But at the time, it felt like the world was moving on without me, and I was simply too exhausted to keep up with it.

But I prefer it this way, I thought to myself. It’s better to feel nothing than to feel agony, anxiety, pain. In a way, I suppose numbing out did reduce the intensity of sadness and anguish. But at the same time, feeling nothing meant I felt no joy. I shrugged at my successes. I grumbled on sunny days. I only knew a world of grey.

I numbed out with my eating disorder. It was dreadful to be stuck in a cycle of anxiety and obsession and rules, but I clung to this disease because when I was thinking about all the food I couldn’t have and all the workouts I had to do, I didn’t have to think about my future. I didn’t have to think about growing up and all the pains and struggles came with it. I didn’t worry about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, how I would support myself financially, whether I would have kids, or any other anxiety-inducing aspect of my future. I purposely exhausted myself to feel nothing at all because it felt safer.

But numbing out is a tradeoff. You pay by trading in your happiness, your laughter, and your dreams for a hollow soul that doesn’t feel warmth. The world loses its color. You become an empty shell.

You stop living.

Life has steep, snowy mountains that need to be overcome, but life also has golden, grassy meadows. Life has deep and dark oceans, filled with the unknown, but it also has lazy rolling waves on the shore that glisten on the beach during summer vacations. What is life without its color in all its intensity? What is life if we don’t laugh until we can’t breathe, hug our loved ones and lay down in the grass to watch the twinkling stars?

Whether you numb out with an eating disorder, drugs, alcohol, smoking or behaviors of any kind, I want you to know that your emotions are completely valid, and I empathize with your suffering. There is nothing wrong with stepping back from the chaos in life from time to time to nourish your soul with stillness.

But I also want you to know that, from my own experience, life is so much more wonderful when you feel. Feel all the emotions. Feel the grief because only then will you be able to feel exhilaration. Feel everything because we are not robots, we are humans. Set goals, take breaks, drink water, nourish yourself. Look for more supportive coping mechanisms like volunteering and reading a good book. Numbing out may provide temporary relief, but it stops you from living the fulfilling life that you deserve.

Stay well everyone and take care of yourselves <3