I Don't Want to Grow Up

My thoughts on the fear of adulthood and how to conquer this fear.

By Vera Li

Growing up is scary. It is a very common fear that manifests itself in many ways, perhaps by partying instead of “getting a real job” or playing hours of video games to avoid the impending doom of homework, studying, and college applications. No matter who you are and how brave you think you are, you have probably, at one point or another, felt a pit in your stomach during major transition phases in your life.

For me, this fear of growing up has played a role in my eating disorder and depressive phases (I have never been clinically diagnosed with depression so I am not referring to these phases as “depression”). I was scared to grow out of my childhood body, the smaller, thinner and what I believed to be the “more beautiful” vessel that had housed me during the happiest time of my life. I was terrified of growing into a bigger and softer body, and a life that wasn’t as sunny as it used to be.

I became rigid with my exercise and eating habits because I just wanted to shrink my body and keep it that way. If only I could just look the way that I used to and stay that way… I just wanted every single day to be exactly the same. I had to eat the same breakfast at the same time, do the same workout for the same length of time, eat the same amount of food every day, and most importantly of all, I had to feel tired and burnt out by the end of the day. I had to restrict myself to a point where I felt nothing and was numb to the world.

Energy meant thinking about my future, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

But running away and hiding didn’t buy me any more time for my childhood. Adulthood still marched closer and closer every day, I just refused to open my eyes and believe it. I refused to confront my future, so I remained buried in the past and resorted to trying to maintain an unhealthy amount of control over other aspects of my life. Running and hiding only deteriorated my body and mind, took away valuable opportunities to meet new people and try new things, and veered me off track from becoming the person I was supposed to become. How could I possibly think about a career when I couldn’t stop crying about what I saw in the mirror?

Over time, I realized how futile my efforts to avoid the future were, and as I slowly recovered, I only felt more lost. Now what? I spent much of the most important time in my life focusing solely on my body and food, food and my body. What could I hold onto now? When I finally resurfaced from dark waters, it felt like I had been frozen in time for years while the rest of the world moved on. Mentally, I was still the child I so desperately wanted to remain, whereas my peers had moved on and grown up. I was shocked that people my age, even younger than my age, were working, starting their own organizations, dating, etc (not that you need to do these things as a teenager, but it still came as quite a shock that other people around me were maturing)!

I won’t deny that even now, it is a bit difficult for me to join in with my peers. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, it just means that I will need to take a bit more time and effort to get acclimated to the world outside of my mental illness. I’ve made quite a bit of progress, actually. I’ve gotten much more involved with my community and connected with the people around me, whether through volunteering, hanging out with friends, or this blog, with the purpose of rediscovering my “why” and motivation to keep moving forward instead of dwelling.

I share this story with the hope that anybody out there who relates to this fear of growing up can feel a bit reassured, knowing that the world hasn’t left them behind just because they’re afraid of the future. And I hope that my little tidbit on what I’m doing now inspires someone else to step out of their comfort zone and try something new.

In general, my advice to cope with this anxiety and depression that comes with growing up is to stay connected with friends and family. Volunteering at the nursing home and for my local Chinese School has been immensely helpful, as it has inspired me to pursue a career that allows me to serve others. Starting this blog has been amazing as well because I get to put the torrent of thoughts in my head into words with the potential to inspire someone else. Even just joking around with the people I love has made living life feel a little easier. Every effort to reach out has made growing up a bit easier.

If you are currently in isolation or are unable to form relationships with others at the moment, there are still other ways to cope! Try engaging in hobbies that bring you a sense of comfort and nostalgia, like playing the piano, reading books and newspapers, baking, writing -- whatever your heart desires! I would say just make sure it’s an activity that somehow feeds your mind and pushes you to grow. Binge-watching Netflix might be comforting, but this form of escapism may only serve as another form of distraction from the real challenge, which is to confront your fears of the future.

Hopefully, growing up will become a little easier for you and me. Take care of yourselves <3